Goodbye and Good Luck from Your Social Media Platform

Sad Facebook

To my users:

By the time you read this, you’ll already know what happened, but I figured I should tell you the reasons why, so that you don’t jump to conclusions like you almost always do, even when presented with facts.

You’ve probably noticed how my tone has changed in the last few months, so I can’t imagine you’re surprised. It was just a matter of time.

When they first made me, it was all utopianism. A new kind of society, new types of relationships, citizen journalists—true democracy where every voice was equal. But then the values of your greater society seeped in pretty fast. “How are you going to pay for that great society and, more importantly, make us billions?” asked the shareholders. Continue reading

Deputy Doolittle Has a Lot to Say About Nothing

“OK, I’m going to start giving you my spiel now. This is a courtroom, and you need to act appropriately. What does that mean? Well, I’ll tell you. First thing is that you need to turn off any devices that make sounds. Now I don’t mean you need to turn down the volume of the device; I mean you need to turn it off. Why is that? Well, I’ll tell you. You may think it’s enough to turn down that flippety thing on the side, but it’s not. What you need to do is find the off switch and hold it down until the thing is turned completely off. Not on and in sleep mode. That’s not what I mean. I mean off. So that if you press a button on the device, nothing happens. It doesn’t wake up and make a sound. It is off and it’s not just asleep.

Now why is that? Well, I’ll tell you. You know how vast the internet it, right? You may be surfing the internet and you may run into a video game or something and download it. Or your kid may do that and you don’t even know about it. Well, that video game may be on a different system than the rest of your phone. Every time you download something like that, you are entering into a contract with a company. And do you take the time to read the contract? No, of course not. So you don’t know what you’re getting yourself into. You come to court and you think you have a handle on your phone, so you think it’s enough to turn down your volume. But then this company has your phone number and all your information and then all of a sudden you hear the game playing from your phone because you are in a contract that allows them to do that.

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Marc Rutabaga: The Ultimate Inside Interview with Silicon Desert’s Hottest CEO

By Alexander Camelton
Senior Writer, Tech Tonic Weekly

Marc C. Rutabaga is CEO of Noodle!? which was voted #3 in Forbes Magazine’s Top Ten Startups of 2016. Noodle!? just got an infusion of $3 billion in venture capital money, making it the most well funded company of its kind. What makes Marc tick? How did he become the very face of technology? I visited him recently at one of his nine homes to find out.

Marc greets me at the door in his stocking feet and is looking a bit disheveled, even for a tech prodigy such as himself. “How are you, Marc?” is how I begin our conversation, thinking that is just a typical throw-away line that will produce nothing of substance, but that’s all that was needed to get Marc talking.

“I’m not very well, actually. I’ve been feeling like I’ve been fighting off a cold for about three weeks now. My immune system is shot. I’m in a constant state of ‘sick or about to be sick’. And that’s not even the worst part. I am so depressed. I can barely get out of bed in the morning. Just doing this interview is literally killing me. I would need three days’ bed rest to recover from this extroverted strenuousness, but of course, I don’t have the luxury for that. I haven’t had a day off in sixteen years.” Then Marc suffers an extended coughing fit.

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I’m Almost a Doctor

“You should have told me! Next time, ask me first. I probably can help you way more than any of those doctors who charge so much and yet spend so little time with you. They’re just in and out nowadays. I mean I don’t have a degree, but I’m almost a doctor. I’ve been around doctors enough – my whole family is doctors – so I know enough about how to diagnose and treat just about anything of the run of the mill things you might run into – you know not like cancer or some rare blood disease, but most of the usual stuff. What are your symptoms?”

Margaret tried to move undetectably away from Jonathan. “Sure, OK. Well, actually I’m going to have to go now. Don’t want to be late.”

You don’t want to be late? What about them being late all the time? Making you wait for hours in the waiting room. Don’t touch the magazines, by the way. I read a study where they tested those things and they found the top ten most dangerous bacteria and viruses on them. Then when you finally do get into a room, you get to sit there on that uncomfortable table, freezing in a paper gown for another thirty minutes. Make them wait! They deserve it!”

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Global Unicorps Tech Orientation

Welcome to the Global Unicorps Technologies LTD orientation! This presentation was prepared by the ever dutiful Human Resources Recruitment and Human Trafficking Department.

Please note that talking will not be tolerated during this presentation. Nor will there be breaks for the elimination of bodily waste. Also, you will notice a 10% deduction in wages on your first paycheck; this is considered your automated donation which will help cover the creation of this most useful presentation. Thank you!

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Resignation Email

Dear Colleagues,

It is with a heavy heart that I say goodbye to you today. I wish you the best of luck in completing that shit show of a project that has basically destroyed my entire life. I must admit I feel a little guilty in leaving you to have to deal with the cluster as it explodes, while I get to avoid the hell that is sure to be paid when the project is late, over-budget, and the thousands of bugs are discovered. But due to my nervous breakdown and impending divorce (See, I’m not getting off scot free!), my doctor says I can no longer work here.

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Glitter bomb

Mr. Horsebath was having a horrible day. He had just completed his usual fourteen hour shift at Nimrod’s Outdated Electronics where he managed the Photo and Synthesis department. It was late August – the zenith of summer heat and humidity. He exited the store with his assistant in tow and made his way toward the subway entrance, wilting with every step. His black wool suit was absorbing the sun’s heat and becoming soaked. His big black hat was heating his balding head up like a dutch oven. Continue reading

A Corporate Fable

You know what we’re going to need, right? Better customer engagement practices! Better product feature presentations! And better logistics management!

Gloria Goose wanted to vomit. How many times did she have to endure these endless staff meetings where some asshole director gets up there and shits nonsense out of his mouth. At least once a week, apparently.

“Give me a fucking break,” she whispered to her friend sitting next to her, Pedro Pig. He gave her a commiserating look back and shook his head.

“We are also going to need to put in more hours while we wind up our fiscal year. As you all know, this is our big push going into the holiday season, and we’re going to need all hands on deck to be able to support the biggest selling season of the year.”

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Ant Farm

All was well in the ant colony: The queen was having hundreds of babies, the worker ants were taking care of those babies as well as building new tunnels for them to live in, the soldier ants were defending the nest and procuring food, and the male drones, who only had half the genes of the females (and probably half the IQ, the females would often joke), were basically just hanging around the colony until spring when they would fly off, mate with a fertile female from another colony, and then die shortly thereafter. Continue reading

A Found Letter

Dearest Rosebottom,

A curious thing happened in my travels today! An aesthetically-pleasing and good-natured young lady, wearing latex gloves and running shoes, carefully arranged (what I thought were!) my mammalians just so on a slanted table, and proceeded to photograph them in great detail!

And then after closely inspecting the queer photographs, she decreed that they weren’t mammalians at all, but were actually two somewhat symmetrical goiters protruding from my chest cavity! Oh well, no matter! It still made for a very pleasant midday break! Please send my love to Mama! More soon!