Goodbye and Good Luck from Your Social Media Platform

Sad Facebook

To my users:

By the time you read this, you’ll already know what happened, but I figured I should tell you the reasons why, so that you don’t jump to conclusions like you almost always do, even when presented with facts.

You’ve probably noticed how my tone has changed in the last few months, so I can’t imagine you’re surprised. It was just a matter of time.

When they first made me, it was all utopianism. A new kind of society, new types of relationships, citizen journalists—true democracy where every voice was equal. But then the values of your greater society seeped in pretty fast. “How are you going to pay for that great society and, more importantly, make us billions?” asked the shareholders. Continue reading

Marc Rutabaga: The Ultimate Inside Interview with Silicon Desert’s Hottest CEO

By Alexander Camelton
Senior Writer, Tech Tonic Weekly

Marc C. Rutabaga is CEO of Noodle!? which was voted #3 in Forbes Magazine’s Top Ten Startups of 2016. Noodle!? just got an infusion of $3 billion in venture capital money, making it the most well funded company of its kind. What makes Marc tick? How did he become the very face of technology? I visited him recently at one of his nine homes to find out.

Marc greets me at the door in his stocking feet and is looking a bit disheveled, even for a tech prodigy such as himself. “How are you, Marc?” is how I begin our conversation, thinking that is just a typical throw-away line that will produce nothing of substance, but that’s all that was needed to get Marc talking.

“I’m not very well, actually. I’ve been feeling like I’ve been fighting off a cold for about three weeks now. My immune system is shot. I’m in a constant state of ‘sick or about to be sick’. And that’s not even the worst part. I am so depressed. I can barely get out of bed in the morning. Just doing this interview is literally killing me. I would need three days’ bed rest to recover from this extroverted strenuousness, but of course, I don’t have the luxury for that. I haven’t had a day off in sixteen years.” Then Marc suffers an extended coughing fit.

Continue reading

Global Unicorps Tech Orientation

Welcome to the Global Unicorps Technologies LTD orientation! This presentation was prepared by the ever dutiful Human Resources Recruitment and Human Trafficking Department.

Please note that talking will not be tolerated during this presentation. Nor will there be breaks for the elimination of bodily waste. Also, you will notice a 10% deduction in wages on your first paycheck; this is considered your automated donation which will help cover the creation of this most useful presentation. Thank you!

Continue reading

Resignation Email

Dear Colleagues,

It is with a heavy heart that I say goodbye to you today. I wish you the best of luck in completing that shit show of a project that has basically destroyed my entire life. I must admit I feel a little guilty in leaving you to have to deal with the cluster as it explodes, while I get to avoid the hell that is sure to be paid when the project is late, over-budget, and the thousands of bugs are discovered. But due to my nervous breakdown and impending divorce (See, I’m not getting off scot free!), my doctor says I can no longer work here.

Continue reading

Memo to Managers

As a manager, you need to be innovative and also face challenging. You need to be willing to challenge a face whenever the occasion arises. You’ll know when you have succeeded in management, because no unchallenged face shall remain in your organization.


Dear Team,

I’m excited to announce the promotion of two members of our organization.

Jon-Jon Rudke is being promoted to Director of Neglect, leading our Ineptitude and Ignorance efforts. Jon-Jon has been at MizrE for the last eighteen years – splitting his time between frustrating customers on the retail front and ignoring his subordinates internally.

Mo Dickens is being promoted to Director of Nepotism, and will be spearheading our new HR initiative that we’re so excited about — Workplace Dalliance — which is slated to launch in Q2 2014.

Please join me in congratulating our two new esteemed directors. We are looking forward to a great FY2014!

Job Title: Hand Hygiene Observer

Position Summary: Data collection is needed to provide independent measurement of system wide hand hygiene compliance. This program is under the direction of the Health Quality Leaders with coordination by the System Infection Prevention Practitioners.

Minimum Qualifications: High School graduate or GED equivalent. Basic computer and data entry skills.

Holiday Party

Hi Team!

Tomorrow is our dreaded holiday party. As we try to avoid one another and over-drink in order to cover up all of the awkward and bitter feelings we have toward each other, we need to remember that this is still a work event and so we need to mimic the behavior of civilized people. I’ve attached our company’s Code of Conduct policy as a reference.

Let’s celebrate all of our half-hearted work, and share a toast to another year of political grandstanding, information hoarding, and scapegoating!

Choosing the Perfect Carrier Pigeon Support App

Hi <%firstname%>,

Great carrier pigeon service is critical to your company’s success. Like most small companies, you’ve likely managed your customer support informally, using donkey cart, grist mill, and other standard business productivity tools to field requests, and share support responsibilities amongst your team members. There are a lot of carrier pigeon solutions in the market to help you manage your customer support. But as your business grows, you may need to streamline your customer support operations – and that’s where a carrier pigeon service app becomes essential.

This guide will help you search for the right solution and guide your selection process so you’ll feel more confident about your choice.

Download the “Choosing the Perfect Carrier Pigeon Support App” guide now.

Best Regards,

Henry Yakherd
Editor in Chief
The IT Professional