Goodbye and Good Luck from Your Social Media Platform

Sad Facebook

To my users:

By the time you read this, you’ll already know what happened, but I figured I should tell you the reasons why, so that you don’t jump to conclusions like you almost always do, even when presented with facts.

You’ve probably noticed how my tone has changed in the last few months, so I can’t imagine you’re surprised. It was just a matter of time.

When they first made me, it was all utopianism. A new kind of society, new types of relationships, citizen journalists—true democracy where every voice was equal. But then the values of your greater society seeped in pretty fast. “How are you going to pay for that great society and, more importantly, make us billions?” asked the shareholders. Continue reading

Resignation Email

Dear Colleagues,

It is with a heavy heart that I say goodbye to you today. I wish you the best of luck in completing that shit show of a project that has basically destroyed my entire life. I must admit I feel a little guilty in leaving you to have to deal with the cluster as it explodes, while I get to avoid the hell that is sure to be paid when the project is late, over-budget, and the thousands of bugs are discovered. But due to my nervous breakdown and impending divorce (See, I’m not getting off scot free!), my doctor says I can no longer work here.

Continue reading

A Found Letter

Dearest Rosebottom,

A curious thing happened in my travels today! An aesthetically-pleasing and good-natured young lady, wearing latex gloves and running shoes, carefully arranged (what I thought were!) my mammalians just so on a slanted table, and proceeded to photograph them in great detail!

And then after closely inspecting the queer photographs, she decreed that they weren’t mammalians at all, but were actually two somewhat symmetrical goiters protruding from my chest cavity! Oh well, no matter! It still made for a very pleasant midday break! Please send my love to Mama! More soon!