Welcome to the Global Unicorps Technologies LTD orientation! This presentation was prepared by the ever dutiful Human Resources Recruitment and Human Trafficking Department.
Please note that talking will not be tolerated during this presentation. Nor will there be breaks for the elimination of bodily waste. Also, you will notice a 10% deduction in wages on your first paycheck; this is considered your automated donation which will help cover the creation of this most useful presentation. Thank you!
Congratulations! In deciding to join/being traded to Global Unicorps Technologies, you have achieved the equivalent of winning the corporate lottery. No company can compete with Global Unicorps Technologies’ cutting-edge organizational infrastructure and seamless systems management platforms. But before we get into the perks of working for and living in The World’s Premiere Conglomerate, let’s start off with some history.
Once upon a time, when the global economy entered hospice care and began its final series of death twitches (2015 to the present), Earth was delisted from the NASDAQ and went through a painful, but necessary, world-wide reorganization.
The 196 existing country/companies began merging and acquiring each other until eventually they were consolidated into a handful of conglomerates, each with offices all over the world. Following the time-tested managerial model of organized crime, each corporate republic selected a representative to sit on the High Commission of Dynamic Systems Racketeering that governed the whole works.
Countries/departments were re-classified and re-categorized and their citizen workers were traded in the ever first global draft, broadcast on ESPN, ESPN2, and ESPN Classic depending on the following criteria: The drafts of countries in which women could vote, legally drive, own property, and had their own professional basketball teams were covered on ESPN2. The drafts of countries that resembled the lands in the Bible were covered on ESPN Classic. And draft coverage of the United States (Voted the most popular country for the 239th year in a row!) was broadcast night and day on ESPN proper.
This being the world’s biggest re-org, it took quite a bit of time and planning and a lot of morale-boosting diversions from the High Commissions’s HR department, which included team-building exercises, the occasional pizza-catered lunch, and pep-rally style meetings complete with awards ceremonies.
Understandably, there were a few snags and hiccups along the way, including the breaking up of families and communities, redundancies and layoffs, and forced early retirements (may they rest in peace). But the Earth is so stream-lined and running so much more efficiently now, that we can all agree the sacrifices were well worth it.
Now for those who were so rigid in their thinking and behavior that they were unable to adjust to the new (and unequivocally superior) world, we had to let them go. They’re sure to be much happier and more comfortable on Mars, where everything is run ass-backwards just as they, apparently, like it.
Soon after, emerged the most successful conglomerate on Earth, which we should all be very proud of, our very own company and home: Global Unicorps Technologies LTD (GUT LTD). Global Unicorps Technologies is a multi-trillion dollar transnational company with a GDP that ranks third in the world. It has offices in 67 territories and city-states.
While living and working at GUT, you will enjoy state of the art facilities, world-class benefits, and a compensation package that will exceed any outrageous expectation. From your first day with GUT, you will endure the privilege to live and work in one of our private Cubicle Housing Units (CHUs) designed by the architectural firm, Sturm and Drang. You will be able to take advantage of our bleeding-edge health and wellness programs, meticulously thrown together by our Human Resources Wellness Officers, as well as our award-winning medical facility, The GUT Wellness WardTM , for elimination of all of your remaining physical and emotional deficiencies. Delicious and nutritious Meal Paquets will be provided and subsidized1 at our Semi-Subsidized Nutrition Outlet.
The hierarchical structure at GUT was painstakingly assembled over many years by multiple committees of high-ranking stakeholders and a dartboard. Following is the basic structure of GUT. You will probably recognize your place at the very end.
Monarch/Chief Deity Officer (CDO)
This charismatic and universally beloved man serves as the public face of GUT as well as a bullseye for assassins, and acts as “The X Factor” or “The Curveball in Charge”. After making public appearances, his main duty is to periodically throw one of his New and Lingwood shoes in the works, thereby creating such large-scale and fundamental problems that he changes the course of the entire workforce on a dime at his, always unpredictable and whimsical, whim. In the case that he does have any strategy at all (rare), he will change it more often than he changes his Hermès boxers. This creates the necessary sense of fear needed to govern employees effectively2 by 1) keeping employees from establishing any footing, and subsequently voicing their annoying opinions and 2) keeping them constantly busy trying to solve fake emergencies, thus preventing them any time to think, communicate with each other, and hence to mutiny. The CDO is appointed for life (until assassination) by The Board.
While the CDO acts as lovable figurehead, it’s The Board that is actually steering the corporate ship. The Board is made up of the 16 richest people in the GUT territory. Hence, their focus and interests are completely tied up with figuring out how to remain one of the 16. They set the strategic agenda for the organization and fashion it in such a way as to keep their respective rackets in tact. The Board is purposely composed of an even number of people so that most votes will end in a stalemate. This ensures that the ship is unable to move at a dangerous (effective) pace.
You’ve probably heard the old American song called The Board and wondered about its origins.
The Board, the Board!
They say inane things
And do unethical things
On the Board! The Board!
I’ll never sit there anymore.
This quaint folk song illustrates the usual punishment for someone who commits the unforgivable error of not taking up the interests of the other Board Members, and instead concerns himself with how The Board’s decisions affect the workers stationed below them in the hierarchy. An unexplained disappearance of a wayward Board Member is an effective reminder to the others of The Board’s sacred mandate: Rackets Over People.
The Inner Circle (The InCls)
The CDO is protected by a group of sycophants, known as The Inner Circle. The InCls includes family members, members of the CDO’s church or cult, and select neighbors who live in his gated community. Nepotism is key in preserving the inner peace and sanctity of The Inner Circle, but it doesn’t hurt that they also have a private militia and secret service. While the members of the InCls come from all sorts of educational backgrounds and have various professional experience, the one quality they all share is complete and total incompetence.
Correction: they also share an insatiable greed, and have been genetically engineered to eliminate empathy.
While these qualities are supremely helpful in governing/managing subjects, what sets them apart is their ability to protect the secrecy of each other’s incompetence while also not hesitating to kill off one another if ever their competence is questioned. Since the InCls Members are appointed for life, the occasional “throwing under the bus” keeps things fresh by killing off stale members and allowing new members to join from time to time.
The Upper Echelons of Management (UEoM)
There are many, many levels of management and, while not making the grade that would allow them entrance into The Inner Circle (namely, being born to the right family), The Upper Echelons is still a level of great power. But with great power comes even greater tediousness. Now it’s true that The Upper Echelons, being the highest level of management and so having the lightest workload, are out of the office on business trips or on holiday for most of the year, when they are in the office they are sometimes required to interact with the Minion classes, and for that burden they are greatly compensated. While there are many middle levels of management which the UEoM generally uses to shield themselves from the Minion classes on a day to day basis, they still must occasionally walk through the lower floors of offices that the plebes inhabit, thus exposing the UEoM to the incurable and unfashionable diseases of the overeducated and impoverished.
The Ministry of Middle Management (MoMM)
The Ministry of Middle Management is so encumbered with having to keep the UEoM, the IC, and the CDO happy whilst also having to keep the teeming Minions in line, that tens of thousands of ministers drown in their own bureaucracy every year3, a very sad statistic.
There are several divisions within the MoMM, including The Ministry of Misery, The Ministry of Mediocrity, and The Ministry of Minstrelsy.
The Ministry of Misery oversees the masses of Minions directly. Its focus is on making working conditions as subtly miserable as possible, creating an intolerable environment in which no laws are broken, but the Minions’ spirits are. Because of this very important duty, it might be the most important department in the whole company. Keeping the Minions broken is the only way to ensure high profit margins and quell rebellion.
The Ministry of Mediocrity oversees the Quality Assurance Department which is concerned with the quality of products produced. The goal of this ministry is to disempower (and sometimes disembowel) the QA Department to ensure the mediocrity of each product. There are many tools at the ministry’s disposal to accomplish this goal. One is a departmental terrorist cell that periodically blows up the testing labs. Another tool is the occasional interrogation of the engineers, wherein they are required to prove the accuracy of their full names, their territory of origin, and the day’s date under threat of demotion. The War on Quality will be won when there are no more QA engineers left. (Note: Look forward to a pizza party invitation on that day!)
The Ministry of Minstrelsy is the Propaganda Department of Middle Management. This department plays a crucial part in the subduing of revolt by the Minion classes. This is usually a very creative department, and many former art students often find a suitable home there. They are tasked with shaping and controlling the thoughts of their co-workers. They create signs stating the corporate credo which are placed all over the work areas and motivational audio and video presentations featuring the CDO and members of the UEoM that play on loop in the work spaces and bathrooms. Also very effective are their animated reminders that the employee’s every move is being recorded via video camera.
The Robot Class
The Robots are the preferred workers in any company. Whereas the human Minions still haven’t been bred successfully to evolve past the need for sleep, food, and bathroom breaks, Robots are superior in their lack of bodily and emotional needs. I doubt any manager or foreman has ever heard a complaint about a missing finger or the need to express oneself from a Robot. Another area in which Robots excel is in the legal department. The Robots can be programmed to save the company money by finding legal loopholes to deny workers of any monetary compensation for disfigurement or death.
The Minion Classes
At the bottom of the ladder are the Minion Classes (You are here!). These are the often overeducated, and always overworked and underpaid dregs of society. But we mustn’t overlook the value that these cogs provide. By working them 12-16 hours a day and paying them just enough to stay alive, they are responsible for the enormous profits that Earth has been able to reap since the collapse. We really must remember to thank the Minion Classes annually on Minion Day with a free pizza.
1 Not all meal packets are subsidized by GUT. Only those manufactured by Sinsco, a subsidiary of GUT, are subsidized. Please see packages for details. Offer subject to change.
3 Mortimer Milhaus, The Perils of Middle Management (East Syscorps: Random Books, 2023), 86.